Truth, conformity to reality or actuality. Reality, the state of the world as it really is rather than as you might want it to be. There only exists one truth—here and now. Anything that deviates from living in reality is simply delusion. Many suffer from this as Neurosis or psychosis. While some others misconstrue faith for denying reality but that, too, is simply delusion. Faith in the supernatural is acknowledging reality but choosing instead to believe in the intervention of the sovereign—this is, rather, religious. I am a Christian and I live by faith and at the same time I do not deny what I see before me in this world. Unlike some folks who believe that because of the gospel of immortality they will never die even when they become really old.

This is the third part of a series—RADICAL HONESTY. If you have not read the first and second part yet, please do so before you continue reading this article, most especially, Radical Honesty: the opening. Though, Radical Honesty: Expressing anger and Disapproval can wait untill after this. But in case you have read those, relax your back on a soft pillow, get some chips and enjoy the ride, drop your thoughts in the “comments” box. Thanks.

All right, the phrase “hypothetical you” as used in this post came to me the other day while I was trying to explain to a friend of mine that a girl liked me but I did not really like her back. He asked to know why I did not feel the same about her. I told him, “Among other things, Bro, I felt she liked the hypothetical me but not the real me. She had this image of a perfect me in her head. She felt I was not flawed.” Trust me, this did not appear to me any romantic, rather, it seemed dangerous. I felt she was clouded by so much feelings which in time would fade into the thin air. I believe that no long-term relationship will ever build strong on the foundation of misconceptions, most especially about eachother’s personalities. In my experience, none has. It cannot last.

Maybe I have presented myself to her that way, I cannot tell. But I am sure that my charisma sometimes might give room for anybody to think I am such a perfect man; without flaws, struggles or insecurities. I am emphasizing in this post that there is no one on earth who is perfect. I understand that there is no ready yardstick to measure perfectness, rightness, wrongness or normalcy. Yes, but I will stick to the moral values of my immediate environment coupled with my faith—christianity. However, perfectness in the context of the scenario I gave earlier about the girl is stripped completely off my stance on spirituality, more reason why I was worried.

I have played it honestly most of my life. I preached the Gospel of Christ as it is, emphasizing that salvation is strictly by God’s grace and I have lived my life mostly like a casual person. Not as an extremist who thinks it is okay to go about misbehaving because of the grace of God. No, I have not. And by casual, I mean, I do things that a religious mind would consider improper for a Christian to do. For example, I listen to Hip-Hop music; I do not exactly dress like a preacher; I use swear words once in a while. Sometimes, I teach the bible like a gangster. All to emphasize that being a believer in Christ does not exactly imply that you must become like a Chinese monk or begin to dress like a Jew. I am still within the context of the Gospel anyway. So, it is very easy for anybody without “understanding” and have not seen me minister before to think I am not born again.

However, this is not a religious post (though it is added to the Religion Category of this blog), I am only using this illustration because it is what I can relate more to. The point is simply this: there is usually this image of yourself that you have consciously or unconsciously projected/presented to people around you that has trapped you into living a life to meet that standard and, at the same time, has turned out particularly stressful for you. Everyone does. I know it is stressful trying to live up to the standard of two persons because I have been that way myself until I realized that there really are not two persons in one, just one person acting differently—that is, the real me. That is the foundation of this post. I am one who at some point thought I had dual personality disorder—spiritual and carnal. I felt bad that I had sexual urges; I felt bad for being aroused when I am too close to or touched by the opposite sex. It was an insecurity I battled. I was confused and scared I was losing myself. Wallowed in guilty, self-depreciation etc. I became unsure of myself—of my identity. (I love how UNSAID THINGS puts it in her blog, FACES.)

WHAT ABOUT EXAM MALPRACTISEInstead of staying true to what I felt deep within, acknowledging that it is normal and then learning to manage myself, I projected a righteous image to people—I was “manning up”; I was being spiritual. O foolish me! That was not living by faith. That was actually foolishness. I acted as though sexuality is not even a thing I should talk about openly because I AM A CHRISTIAN and that it is unclean. For years, I struggled over things I could have fixed a long time ago only if I was honest with myself. Now, I am online to talk about this because, firstly, I am better and secondly, I figured that the main reason why men of God today make the news for something an “ordinary” man would do and get away with is because many a man of God have put themselves on this pedestal, one who CANNOT trip at the sight of a naked woman—this is not true. You cannot possibly hide forever, you cannot trap a smoke. This keeps happening over and over again and the line follows, “…and he calls himself a Pastor; fake Pastors“. It is not untrue that he is a pastor, no, rather, it is untrue that he is a superhuman and that he cannot make the same mistakes as an “ordinary” man. See, you did not exactly choose to be an emotional person or sexually sensitive. You did not choose to have a high sexual drive. Why do you have to feel insecure about things you did not put there? Listen friend, be comfortable in your own skin and as a Christian, boast instead in Christ but not your flesh.

Opening up scares the hell out of a lot of persons because they are keen to public’s opinion of themselves. Friend, it is advantageous to learn on time that everybody cannot love you, regardless of how you appear or treat them. Why then do you have to seek people’s approval of your conduct over your own peace? I encourage you, come out as you really are. Tell people that have perceived you as some superhuman that you actually have things you feel are a little out of the norm you two share. Be straightforward and honest in sharing these things and watch freedom and peace of mind pursue you. Something like this, “I am this and that to you but the truth is I also have this and that going on in my life. It is okay if you want to leave but I will appreciate it if you stay.” You might be surprised to find out that the same people you have been putting up flawless acts around actually have the same insecurities as yours and that together you can become better, forming help groups etc.

Hey, I have been there. I have seen others, too. Putting forward to people that YOU ARE SOME PERFECT HUMAN is disingenuous and will do to you two things:

1. Bring you depression; stress from trying to maintain the perfect image that you have created.
2. Attract many unreal people to you; who only are interested in the hypothetical you but not the entire (real) you—the flawed one.

The second part is worse than the first because, IT WILL BREAK YOU. When they find out themselves that you are a “kinky bastard”, they will leave you. And you will become more DEPRESSED, than the first, even—one of the reasons why many people commit suicide after breakups (research has it). They will leave because the entire time, you have LIED to them! Fundamentally, nobody really appreciates being lied to, manipulated or cheated. Leaving is a natural response and it will only take true love to stay. I hope you get that.

In conclusion, rather than investing in your hypothetical self (seeking people’s approval), invest instead in yourself as a whole. Become better by learning to manage your own weaknesses—they are yours; master them. Your hypothetical you is a facade. Sooner rather than later, you will lose touch with the unreal image you have created and you will be embarrassed that time comes. Hear once more, and this time, very clearly, the REAL YOU is simply YOU AND YOUR FLAWS, not just your flawed self or the fine self—no, both. If you are a Christian reading this, you are a believer who feels things that are common to every other human being because you are still human (the Bible relates the human body to corruption). Hence, be comfortable with that. You cannot run from it. Express it freely. Then, improve on yourself. If you must pray, pray. Again, your real you is not just the good or dark side of you. No, the real you is the “good” side of you plus the “bad” side of you. The hypothetical you is just one side of you that you, consciously or unconsciously, present and overly hype to people (most likely for endorsement/approval). This hypothetical self is what you must let go by being honest with yourself and the people around you. Let it go. Be free.

Enjoy this music by V. Rose, No Better U. It’s worth a million.

Yours truly,

Hagios A. Akins

*Footnotes: the definition of truth and reality is according to WordWeb dictionary.

Series 4 has been published!!

RADICAL HONESTY 4: DISARM THE MANIPULATIVE GAME PLAYER BY TELLING THE TRUTH