People-pleasing. People-pleaser. As defined by scienceofpeople.com, a people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem.

I found in the book and I thought you might want to see what I learnt, too. Reading the book by Harriet B. Braiker, “The Disease to Please”, I’ve been transformed. Years ago, I could say of myself I was a people pleaser. Maybe not so extreme but it did hurt me and at some point, had sleepless nights from worrying about disappointment and all, questioning why people are so heartless, selfish and don’t see what I do for them.

Dr. Braiker, in her Book outlines some psychologically ingrained rules that people suffering from people pleasing syndrome often follow unconsciously. She calls them, “The Ten Commandments of People Pleasing”.

People pleasers think they have to obey all or any of the following rules. They think they are obligated to sacrifice themselves for people—usually at the expense of their own happiness. But this ought not to be so.

And sadly, people pleasers are taken for granted. Their effort to not make people feel uncomfortable, their selfless sacrifices are most times not reciprocated. This drains them excessively. I know this because, I was in the shoe. Can’t say I’ve mastered it though. Old habits die hard, right? But I certainly am not the same person I was few years ago as a people pleaser.

So, in this post, I will be talking about these commandments (wrong mindset) and at the same time showing you how to overcome the people pleasing mindset and lead a peaceful and healthy life.

Before you continue, hear this from Dr. Braiker:

“Don’t get stumped if the Commandments seem accurate at first glance. Naturally, because you have suffered from the Disease to Please for so long, many or all of the Commandments will feel familiar and might even appear correct or at least accurate reflections of your old way of thinking.”

”Your job now is to undo the People-Pleasing Mindsets and to replace them with healthier, corrective ways to think. Your recovery depends on breaking the bondage of self-imposed rules and sabotaging shoulds.”

The second statement is what this post is about. Let’s begin.

1. I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Many people pleasers worry a lot about what people will say about them. Hence, it seems very difficult for them to say “no”. Many become slaves of others because they don’t want to hurt them. And they even measure their worth by how much they can do for people. “I must do well, please others, or be liked by significant others or else I will be worthless.”

But wait, have you ever stopped to ask yourself if others think of you the same way?

Do they even care about what you want? How you feel?

Well, you probably have, and it hurts. Because, sadly, people don’t seem like they care. And at this point you have to start taking care of yourself One of the lifestyles that can improve your quality of life.

And to this first commandment, I would say you rewrite it. Replace it with a corrected thought:

“I know that I don’t always have to do what others want, need, or expect from me. I can choose to give to certain people when and if I want to do so.”

2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not

I could remember priding myself in my ability to sense if someone around me is in need and offering them a helping hand even if they don’t request for it. This also plays in going extra mile to make people comfortable with you because you think they don’t know how to start a conversation with you.

This habit isn’t all bad by itself, but it is when you start hurting because of the response (feedback) you get from the people you try so hard to please (make happy or comfortable).

And worst, you are told “I never asked you to do it”, “You should have asked me first”, “I don’t want to talk to you”. And you know what? They are right; they didn’t ask you to do it; they didn’t ask for your company. It’s heart-breaking really, but it’s true.

You see, friend, whatsoever that will cost your peace of mind should be avoided. That’s the simple rule of thumb.

So, as instructed by Harriet Braiker, I’ve rewritten the second commandment (mindset) as this:

“Unless others express their need for my help, I’m not obligated to offer any.”

3. I should always listen to everyone’s problems and try my best to solve them

Another people pleasing mindset is thinking you always have to make yourself available for others to vent their anger and frustration about life, work, relationships, etc.

You even pride in being called a “good listener”. But here is the problem: you try so hard attempting to solve people’s problem for them whenever they come to you. You think you should always have the solution; and sadly, when you don’t, you feel worthless because you can’t help.

Friend, relax, you’re not an island. We don’t know all things—that’s being human and it’s okay. We all are limited in knowledge.

Hence, it is healthy for you to rewrite that mindset as:

“I know that I don’t always have the answers—it’s okay. And I don’t always have to be available for discussions I’m not interested in.”

Next.

4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone’s feelings

Maybe you have seen on the internet that some people are call “Nice guys”. You wonder what being nice means, right? Let me tell you. Being nice simply is, refusing to express disapproval for an act performed toward you because you are scared of hurting them and losing them eventually.

Typically, it’s called the Nice guy syndrome and based on my experience, it doesn’t get the cookies, it only crumbles it. It’s a habit of a people pleaser, and it’s unattractive.

As a rule of thumb that I teach: if anybody leaves you because you expressed disapproval for their attitude toward you, they never really loved/wanted you. You should never get worried by their leaving. Say goodbye to them and move on. They don’t respect your feelings. You have nothing to lose.

Again, I say, if anybody makes you feel guilty for expressing how you feel, let them go. Pack their bags for them. They don’t respect your feelings. You have nothing to lose.

Read more: Radical Honesty 2: Expressing Anger and Disapproval

So, friend, to be free, you have to rewrite this mindset. Replace it with this:

“It’s okay not to be nice. I can always express my feelings and opinions regardless of what/how others think/feel about me.”

5. I should always put other people first, before me

This mindset is self-sabotaging as others listed above. The people pleaser thinks he has to always sacrifice himself for the benefit of others. He denies himself of good things. Sometimes, this may be as a function of religious extremism. Philosophies ingrained as a result of fanatism.

However, giving ought to be from a happy heart. Not a heart full of grudge. Not a heart in dare need of what is being gifted out.

Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Secret, differentiates giving from sacrificing, “There is a big difference between giving and sacrificing. Giving from a heart that is overflowing feels so good. Sacrificing does not feel good. Don’t confuse the two—they are diametrically opposed. One emits a signal of lack and the other emits a signal of more than enough. One feels good and one does not feel good. Sacrifice will eventually lead to resentment. Giving from a full heart is one of the most joyous things you can do…”

She further adds: “Many people have sacrificed themselves for others, thinking when they sacrifice themselves they are being a good person. Wrong! To sacrifice yourself can only come from thoughts of absolute lack, because it is saying, ‘There is not enough for everyone, so I will go without’. Those feelings do not feel good and will eventually lead to resentment.”

Thinking you always have to put others first will eventually spur resentment in you. It doesn’t even imply you’re a good person.

So, what do you do?

Rewrite the commandment!

Stir this mindset instead:

“I love myself first. I deserve all that’s good in life. And I can give to others out of a happy heart, rather than one full of resentment and sorrow from lack.”

Do this, you are on your journey to recovering from your people pleasing syndrome.

Friend, this is getting longer than expected, I’ll have to continue with the other limiting commandments in a later post.

However, as opposed to the sabotaging mindsets, I want you to say the replacing mindset affirmatively. Let them knock out your old mindset and habit with a hard blow. Read it out loud:

1. “I know that I don’t always have to do what others want, need, or expect from me. I can choose to give to certain people when and if I want to do so.”
2. “Unless others express their need for my help, I’m not obligated to offer any.”
3. “I know that I don’t always have the answers—it’s okay. And I don’t always have to be available for discussions I’m not interested in.”
4. “It’s okay not to be nice. I can always express my feelings and opinions regardless of what/how others think/feel about me.”
5. “I love myself first. I deserve all that’s good in life. And I can give to others out of a happy heart, rather than one full of resentment and sorrow from lack.”

Share the good news. Enjoy true freedom. See you in the next post.

Your friend,

Hagios Akins

Follow Blog to Receive Update of New Next Post by Email

Recommended Books on Curing People-Pleasing

1. The Disease to Please: Curing the People-pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker
2. Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your life by telling the Truth by Dr. Brad Blanton
3. Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer
4. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck: A Counter Intuitive Approach to Leaving a Good Life by Mark Manson