Have you ever had a discussion with somebody over a matter which you anticipated that at the end you would resolve into a yes or a no conclusion? But unfortunately, after a few minutes you could not say exactly what the conclusion was. You became more confused as though the whole dialogue faded into the thin air. Have you ever been in a position that you did something for someone against your will because they were irresistible? They were not irresistible or charming, chances are that you were manipulated. And more often than not, you allowed it.

Ever since I started this radical honesty series, I have emphasized that the purpose of honesty is to help reduce depression to the minimum. Thousands of people yearly are diagnosed of depression. While pharmaceuticals are making millions selling antidepressant medications. I have at some point opted into purchasing those medicines. But I appreciate the medical folks around me who enlightened me on the dangers of overusing these medications, most especially their addictive tendencies.

I have experienced depression, yes. I cannot tell if it was mild or severe but I can say that I have been depressed to the extent to which it makes you lose sleep for several days and feel everybody hates you. I lost my mom and I have felt alone mostly before and after then when it comes to having a romantic relationship. I have experience manipulation/rejection most especially from women. That really stressed me out. And at some point, in my life, I became very bitter toward them. I felt they are manipulative bitches. But thank God for others who made me feel differently.

So, in my attempt to understand the female psychology I met Alan Roger Currie books where he mentioned a lot about evading the manipulative tactics of some women that I have fallen prey to. Those most of the things he mentioned in his books are not exclusive to women alone, but can be applied in day-to-day activities when it comes to relating with people generally. I read Dr. Brad Blanton’s book, too, Radical Honesty. And that was when I started writing my own radical honesty series. Because ever since then, I have been able to evade manipulative head games from people, hence, I feel a lot less depressed than I have been in the past. And I have been able to get some really good sleep at night than I used to.

People mostly care only about themselves. So far that they can get what they want from you. Better put, so far they can make you give them what they want from you, most especially when it is something you do not really want to give. As little as attention and flattery may seem, some people crave for it, such that they would do anything to get it from you. Have you ever asked why some women dress seductively and when you ask them for sex on the spot, they might throw a glass of water at your face or give you a dainty slap right there and then? The question I would like to ask them is, why would you dress and act as though you are horny around a guy whom you have no intention of sleeping with or even date; and when he advances based on your cue, you then begin to act strange? Some women crave such attention, they just want to boost their own ego by knowing that they are cock-teasing guys.

Like Alan Currie would say, do not engage in any head game with any woman. I tell you, do not engage in any mind game with anybody. Whenever you sense that someone is playing you, do not try to play them, too—mistake a lot of people make and would later regret. Confront them straight on and tell them exactly what you really want; and are thinking straightforwardly and honestly. See, it only takes two thieves for thievery to occur. It only takes two manipulators for manipulation to occur—the better gamer winning. When a fraudster comes to you, he presents you with offers that seem too true to be true and then in your attempt to take advantage of the him [unknown to you that he is a conman] you are conned. You only thought he was gullible. That is how the story plays over and over again.

I remember in 2010, on the Independence Day in Nigeria, my Dad got a message from a network provider, MTN, that he won a sum of one million naira and that he should follow a link to claim the money. My dad forwarded the message to my brother and I to confirm. Naïve us. We advanced to the cyber cafe that day. O Foolish me! We used part of my school fees to buy time at the café. I said to myself, “It was such a little money and that my dad would give me a cut, of course”. We logged in. It showed us a seeming MTN website and a congratulation/confirmation page that it was true that we won a million naira. We were asked to input bank and card details. Neither of us had a bank account at that time. So, we called our elder sister who was serving the country at that time as a Youth Corp. She felt, “Oh, that’s cool”. She gave us her details. But as soon as we clicked “submit”, the money in her account, Fifty thousand naira, was swiped. Yes, swiped! Another money that was transferred into the account, Forty thousand naira, again, was swiped! That was when it became real to us that we have been “moguled”. MTN soon confirmed we had just made a deal with the devil.

So, the question was supposed to be, “DAD, DID YOU PLAY ANY GAME/RAFFLEDRAW?”, “DID YOU APPLY FOR ANYTHING?”, “DID YOU INPUT ANY CODE?” Nope! We all wanted to win One million naira that none of us worked for. We were thieves, we only played with a better thief, hence we lost.

The gist is this, do not keep up playing or trying to win over someone whose offer seems too good to be true. As though that was not enough, I was still duped few months ago because I thought I could outsmart a group of conmen. Repeatedly, trying to play head games with anybody have proven risky and depressing. Trust me, your peace of mind should be your goal in any relationship you are having with anybody.

Now, how does being honest come to play in evading manipulative game players?

Manipulative game players often stagger when they are spotted by whoever they are playing. It is a psychological thing. They get defensive and then begin to shift the blame on you. That is, they try to guilt-trip you. But the purpose of this post really is not to make these people act a certain way or make them feel/know you caught them or anything. No. You are only making your own heart the priority. Guard your heart by making your intention(s) known straightforwardly from the start of the conversation what you really want, nothing more or less, and you do not back down at any point in the conversation.

Some boys manipulate girls by trying to date them first when what they really want is to just sleep with these girls. But because they feel these girls would not agree (which is most likely true), they would lie to them. Well, this is cowardly to me. And this is why the idea of romantic relationship, generally, just keeps getting sour and sour day-after-day. We are liars! Everybody is lying to the other. Guys, when all you want from a girl is just sex and nothing else, tell them. There are pretty girls who want the same as much as you do, who are not even prostitutes. Find them. Leave really prudish girls the fuck alone! Alan did justice to that in his books, which you will find in the recommendation paragraph of this post (the ones I have read). They are all yours, should you choose to learn more. Ladies, stop taking advantage of naïve men. Stop manipulating men for their money, for flattery or attention. Stop cock-teasing guys when you really do not want to have sex with them! Guys, common! You are a manipulator if you use/choose any means to get anything from anybody other than asking them straightforwardly and honestly! Be it via sex, marriage, grades, gifts, blackmail; you name it. More in RADICAL HONESTY AND RELATIONSHIPS. Until it is out, grab a cup of coffee and relax.

Okay, back to the point. In every relationship/interaction, do not hesitate to state what is on your mind exactly the way that you are feeling it. Guard your heart. Use the following Armor (quick picks/summary).

Ask definite questions

Polarise people. Ask them to say yes or no at the end of their answers. Never at any time be left in a situation where you are not sure of what conclusion it is from the conversation you just had. Do not assume. When you are unsure of what is before you, do not hesitate to do your own findings as it saves you a lot of heartbreaks. Inquire from reliable sources. If we had made necessary inquiries before attempting to win the money we did not work for, we probably would have evaded the loss that year. Remember my story?

Do not entertain unnecessary storytelling

Story telling could be a manipulative tactic to lead you away from the point of the conversation. Some people just have a way of telling you stories to make you forget what you really asked them in the first place. The fictional character, Raymond Reddington, in the NBC TV show, The Blacklist, uses this tactic to manipulate his “prey”. When you ask people questions, pay attention to see if their purpose of telling a story is to avoid answering the question. Do not hesitate to call them back. I do not intend to discredit storytelling as it is a wonderful tool in explaining—no. Wonderful speakers use it, writers use it, I use it. But what I am saying is, if anybody is in the habit of telling you stories till you are lost and you forget what you asked, then make it a habit, too, while talking to them, to always call them back on the question before you make regrettable commitments.

Be honest with yourself

Mark Manson in his book, Everything is Fucked—A Book About Hope, says, “…people are liars, all of us. We lie constantly and habitually. We lie about important and trifling things. And we don’t lie out of malice—rather, we lie to others because we are in such a bad habit of lying to ourselves”. It is important to not lie to yourself. Know exactly what you really want from a friend, a relationship or interaction. Set your boundaries. Be free to express them openly, no matter how stupid they might sound to you. You never can tell, they might sound just awesome to the person you are relating with; and if they do not, just move on—rejection is a blessing. Stick to what you have stated onset. Stick to it. That is your value. Also, part of being honest with oneself is knowing that people have a limit to what they can do. Do not expect too much from people. I saw a quote recently, saying, “remove expectations from people and you will remove their power to hurt your feelings”. People change. People disappoint. And when you think someone is unlikely to do a thing, well, maybe you are right. If you keep pressuring them, they might start lying to you. In which case, you initiated your own struggle with manipulation. More on this in Radical Honesty 3.

Do not try to outsmart people

Do not attempt being a manipulator yourself—most especially with my beautiful other gender. You are less likely to beat them in the game, rephrasing Alan’s words. You will evade a manipulator when you do not engage in the same game with him—trust me, I have been there; I have practiced this countless times and it worked. There is no way to know for sure from start if the person you are talking to is a manipulator. But you know yourself, right? Yes, just be you. Do not attempt to outsmart people. You never can tell if they are a better gamer with whom your life would become more miserable. I will add at this point that you are a manipulator and a coward practising witchcraft if/when: you try to make others pick a clue about something that bothers you without telling them straightforwardly and honestly (e.g. via silent treatment); you try to get something from someone without telling them in an upfront and straightforward manner; you guilt-trip/blackmail people to make them do something for you; you wish to control people or make them think of you in a certain way; you try to make people stay in your life by doing or refusing to do certain things for them. You are being dishonest and disingenuous. Do not do that to yourself. You deserve better.

On a final note, you must understand that evading manipulation is not limited to the things I mentioned in this post. I would love to talk more on this but the paragraphs would only become a little too much for a blog post. Be creative with the little I shared in this post and then check out the books I will recommend below. Keep depression far away from you. Evade manipulation; evade manipulators and refuse to become one yourself. Do not forget to subscribe to this blog. See you in the next post.

Yours honestly,

Hagios A. Akins

Earlier posts of the Radical Honesty series:

• Radical Honesty 1: The Opening
• Radical Honesty 2: Expressing Anger and Disapproval
• Radical Honesty 3: Extricate the Hypothetical you from the Real you

Recommended books:

• Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth by Dr. Brad Blanton
• The Possibility of Sex: How Naïve and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly by Alan Roger Currie
• Mode One: Let the Women Know What Youre REALLY Thinking by Alan Roger Currie
• Upfront and Straightforward by Alan Roger Currie
• Models: Attract Women through Honesty by Mark Manson

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