Oftentimes we are caught up in this question when we are about to make a decision as to what we want to do. Most especially when it’s something we have never done before, something we are not sure the ethics of our immediate environment allow or not; something that is against our own personal values based on experiences or something we have at some point in our life devalued, that is, spoken against.

We feel this new attitude or action is a threat to our personality. We feel we are betraying the people that trusted us and see us as their role model and are becoming a bad example. We feel it questions the very core from which our beliefs—religious or not—are formed. We feel as though we are about to lose ourselves or have already lost ourselves for ever thinking of doing such a thing in the first place.

See, if there is anything I have come to terms with in life regarding decision making, it is this: do not do anything because you want to make anybody validate you. People are fuck-ups. Within the next minute, the very people you are trying not to offend would tell you something like, “Did I ask you to do it?” And you know what? They are right. They did not send you. I have seen this happen a few times. Having a people-pleasing mentality—doing what people expects of you, not wanting to hurt them—is what drives many crazy in the end, not even the decision that they are about to make. I have been there. It hurts very badly.

Okay, let us assume you are in a market and everyone is telling you what to buy. The noise would disorient you. Following everybody’s suggestions will make you broke. They will drive you nut. People will drive you crazy. They are a symbol of numerous thoughts on how to do a particular thing; how to say things, what type of clothes to wear to certain types of occasion. And it is just only you there is. Just you alone trying to meet up to these distinct views around you. That is enough to make you literally out of your mind.

You are responsible for yourself. You make your own shit happen. Nobody is to take the blame for what you do/did wrong. You will pay for your own sins except that Jesus did otherwise. Well, nobody is Jesus on earth and anyone who claims to be him is an imposter. I am sure the Pope would renounce him. Many other Christians would do the same, though some would still be gullible. You are the driver of your own life. You fuck up, you clean your own shit. Nobody is exactly responsible for you. Nobody will warm your bed in the hospital when you drive the car of your life into a ditch, just you.

You have your own values. You have your own standards. Stick to them. Let them guide you. Be better at them. Master yourself. Know what you want. Learn what you need. Follow it to the end. Do not compare yourself to others. When necessary, take advice from reasonable people who share similar values with you. But make sure that the decision that you are making is ultimately what you have weighed and found that will lead peace into your mind—something you are comfortable with. That is what therapists help you find. They do not tell you what to do. They help you figure what you really want to do.

Do not always externalise your decisions. Make it something from within you. Something you think and feel you want and need. That is a good decision. Because that is when you can really manup and take responsibility for whatever the outcome is. But reverse is the case if you are pressured by external factors—validation from people around. And if that happens, it is not worth the risk. More often than not, it leads depression into ones life.

“But what if I’m wrong?”, you say.

Well, you will never learn to make right decisions if you do not, on your own, make some wrong decisions first. This is because you will always, consciously or unconsciously, blame people that made you do that thing. This is not healthy.

You go to a place you do not want to go to because you cared so more about what you friend would say if you do not go. So, you went. There you go, a valuable stuff of yours is stolen and the first thing that comes to your mind is “Fuck! To think, I didn’t want to come.” Blame shifting from you to whoever/whatever made you go there has a psychological impact on you that compounds over experiences and years. Read more about blame shifting.

But on the contrary, you go because you really want to, the narrative would be different, “I fucked up”. You take responsibility for yourself. The psycholoclgical impact here is positive. Read more about being responsible for yourself. And by the way, it is okay to be wrong. Nobody always has it right, not even the people you are trying to please. Ask them, the often make wrong choices.

In conclusion, friend, worry less about all that could go wrong. Focus on a lot of things that could go right. Just do it. Enjoy the experience like it is an adventure. Take notes—journal. Expand your scope. Build yourself. True, people love to tell you what will or will not happen if you do something or do not. But instead of making decisions based of their experiences, why not form your own experience? Adjust your values in the process. Worry less about what they will think. Just do what you desire and find comfortable or reasonable or both at the moment.

Be yourself. Make your own decision like a grown-up that you are. Only kids thinks of making mom and dad happy by trying to not do what upsets them. That is what adulthood is all about—doing your thing without exactly giving a fuck about what anybody thinks about you. Let God be the judge of your intention and actions if you are a religious person. But to make people the determining factor of what you do is a disaster.

People change. Their values change. When tomorrow comes, seeing that they have changed, you blame yourself for the things you refused to do because of them. You lost. You become angry and bitter. You were foolish. You can change the narrative now. Have your own opinion. Nobody other than you should make your decisions for you. You cannot lead a stress-free life if you depend directly or indirectly on people’s thoughts of you. You do not need their validation. What you think of yourself is more important. Be well. Be committed to your growth.

Do have a people-pleasing-free life ahead.

Recommended Books:

1. “Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone” by Joyce Meyer
2. “The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson
3. “Feel the Fear… And Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers
4. “The Disease To Please” by Harriet B. Baiker

Much love.

Hagios A. Akins

You might want to read;

• Radical Honesty: Extricate the Hypothetical You from the Real You
• The Fear of Uncertainty

Join my Facebook community today

• Facebook