Life is like a scrambled thread, and the amazing thing about that is that we made it so. We made living hell for ourselves. Not by killing, not by sleeping around with married men and women, not by… but by simply avoiding to speak the truth in our heart at the moment. Many of us lie like hell. Some of us have MSc. in Lying. We are scared by the reality that we are faced with; we are scared by the fear of not knowing exactly what will happen the minute we express what we are really thinking and feeling, hence, we lie. It’s like a plague on humanity—everyone lies. It may not be as gravy as lying in the court of law, but everyone does—simply saying “yes” when the water and blood in your system say “no”; that, too, is a lie. The few that manage to speak the truth don’t even speak the whole truth. Not to talk of others who are just blatant liars, pathological liars—manipulative bitches.

Personally, I believe that everything as regards living would be a lot more fun for us if everyone was straightforwardly honest with one another about what’s really going on in their mind. In the first part of this series, RADICAL HONEST: THE OPENING, I spoke sparingly about religion being one of the factors responsible for suppressing one’s deep thought and perhaps ill feelings. Though, I do not intend to speak much about that in this post; latter posts, maybe. But for now, to everyone according to their own beliefs. Here, I’m talking about humanity and socialization. We were firstly humans before religion came into our lives. (See ADULTHOOD)

Anger may not exactly be a choice. But many instead of expressing it, they choose to repress it. Anger when repressed is like a time bomb that would explode soon if triggered. And when it does, things get destroyed and sometimes, like a chemical change, they cannot be recovered. But that would have been prevented if it wasn’t repressed at all in the first place. In my experience, as in relationship with friends, no new thing you say to a “friend” actually makes them explode, no, at all. There have been things you said or did that made them angry or a little pissed a couple of times that they ignored; let slide, didn’t talk about—perhaps they think you’re just naive or something. Whatever the reason for doing that, to me, is bullshit. Nobody really makes you angry to the point of damaging things if you don’t allow it—that’s your choice.

In addition, there is no such thing as “You are not supposed to be angry”. That’s bullshit, too. A scheme to manipulate you and to make you hate your own skin. To be angry is not a sin. You are not crazy. It means you’re alive and you have emotions; you have values; you have desire; and you have boundaries. You don’t exactly choose to be angry; it is a natural reaction to an action that imposes threat to your values. And whatever your value(s) may be is nobody’s business but yours. The Bible teaches the same; that being honest and straightforwardly expressing the rage you feel at the moment is God’s will. But to repress the anger is a problem. God doesn’t want you to suffer bitterness, resentment and then injure yourself or the next man in the process, like a detonated explosive. He said, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger”. In other words, God wants you to let go of your annoyance as soon as possible. Calling the offender to order by expressing your feelings straightforwardly and honestly is a wonderful tool. I’ll talk more on that illustration in RADICAL HONESTY AND FAITH. But until then, stay close to your coffee.

See, the goal is this: rather than evaluating, be descriptive. Diplomacy is the culprit. Describe how angry you are. Don’t just say “I’m mad at you”. You don’t have to mind what the person you are expressing your annoyance towards is feeling. Be blunt. It is not yours to control what he feels or thinks about you. The moment you try to not make somebody feel hurt by what you’re saying or doing to them, you’re not true to your emotion. You are manipulative—trying to control them. You are not being true to yourself. Well, maybe you’re stuck in a people-pleasing mentality. Break free because it will only hurt you in the long run. Tell the person point blank, “I resent you for this…”, “I resent you for that…”, “I resent you for doing so and so to me”. Say it as loud as you possibly can untill you have fully let the whole anger out. Like a chimney, vent it. Fuck politeness. Fuck diplomacy. They mask true feelings. Do not inhibit your expression. Say it.

The danger of repressing your anger is enormous: it imposes threat to your physical health, mental health, relationships, career etc. Rage builds when you suppress it. And if not vented ASAP, the energy will tear you open over time. It may not really have an impact on the person that’s making you feel angry. In fact, most times, it doesn’t. Some people even agitate you on purpose. They realise that you are angry but won’t even utter a single word to pacify you. They just keep doing their thing. Such persons are devils anyway. I crown them witches and wizards. They are manipulative. They derive joy in controlling you. But you won’t allow them anymore. And trust me, you don’t want to have anything to do with them.

I resent people who intentionally make me angry and go as far as laughing with me at the same time. I resent them. A couple of times in the past, I had told them how resented I felt towards them and you know what? As short as “Hey, I don’t like you. You’re not making any sense to me” appears, it fucking freed me.

Fear, yes, fear. Many people don’t straightforwardly express their feelings of annoyance about a thing that is going on because they FEAR they would lose their relationship with the said person—the fear of rejection; people-pleasing. I’ve said this countless times, people who truly love you will NEVER leave you regardless of what you say to them, most especially when it is the truth from your heart about your emotions. People who love you will respect your emotions, too. They can’t help it. It comes naturally with that feeling of love. Except you want them to go, they won’t. So why stress yourself? If it’s not making you happy, then it’s not. That’s the truth. Just say it. Let them go. And if anybody leaves you because you expressed your true emotions to them, then they never really loved you—consider it an acid test. They only loved a hypothetical you—who’s not the real you. That’s the cautious you. And now that cautious you is killing you because it’s all an act. You have to free yourself.

Note that you are just being dishonest and manipulative when you try to make anybody stay with you by repressing your feelings of anger towards them. Or trying to make them pick a clue that you are angry without straightforwardly telling them they are hurting you. You are playing a mind game and most times you will lose if your partner consciously or unconsciously is a better gamer. You’ll get depressed, frustrated and drained.

Meanwhile, contrary to my experience that I shared earlier; some people don’t even know that they are making you angry, to start with. Not until you call them to order, you would be bitter towards them, you would even think that they are some devil incarnate sent specifically to torment you. Wrong! They are just not aware. Telling them will definitely bring you peace of mind.

Anger is not exactly a feeling you can start or stop, it doesn’t have a switch, it only shows you’re human and you have boundaries. However, learning to express it helps you to control yourself and not the other way round. When you bottle things up always, you’ll pay the price someday. And by then it will be disastrous. Choose to free yourself, own control, vent it when it’s still little. For the sake of your health, express it freely, openly, honestly. Do not inhibit. No politeness. No diplomacy. You feel angry? Sad? Bitter? Say it.

Yours sincerely,

Hagios A. Akins

Recommended books:

• Radical Honesty: How to transform your life by telling the truth by Dr. Brad Blanton (1996).
• The Disease to Please by Harriet B. Braiker
• Approval Addiction: Overcoming the need to please everyone (2005) by Joyce Meyer for Christian readers.
• The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

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