RADICAL HONESTY: IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE BY TELLING THE TRUTH
Table of Content
1. INTRODUCTION: THE OPENING
Let me set the record straight before I start diving into the article proper: this post is not a scheme to instill into you the “holier than thou” mentality. And as a matter of fact this post is not included in the religion category of this blog even though it may be helpful to Christians, Muslims and other religious folks reading this. But I’d rather let it just be, addressing humanity and life with an open mind void of sentiments, biasness or irrational diplomacy; and at possible best close enough to what a rational human being can assimilate and present to friends and family for their aggrandisement.
I personally believe that this life is a mess and that we humans make it messier by the decisions we make on regular basis; from our choice of food, words, actions, numbness and the things we allow to happen to us. Nothing evil just happen, we let it happen. We allow it directly or indirectly. You allow yourself to be duped by either being stupid or naive or both. You let your heart to be broken. You let yourself to be depressed by current action/situation or by the things you have done in the past—those things catch up sometimes, though. Also, you allow yourself to remain tormented steadily by these feelings by refusing to admit reality—this is a Ponzi scheme, he is a scumbag. No, you denied all that.
There is something you must know about reality over fantasy: it is truer than you can imagine in the moment—it is real. Reality is not heaven and hell; it is here and now, where you can be physically hurt. It’s only an imagination in your head that you are eating pizza or having sex with Kim Kardashian West, but the reality is closer to you than the stick of your nose, you are simply biting your tongue and swallowing your saliva—oh, poor you—that’s truer; you are only jerking off to porno, nothing more or less. Kim knows who she opens her legs for, night and day, and the sad fun is that, bro, that person is not you—that’s truer. You are not having sex; you are only masturbating.
See, the truth is, most of the relationship you have with the next man is mostly full of fantasy, undefined wish-wish. That is the foundation of the problem you have in relating with people and understanding them—you fantasise a lot in your relationships. You don’t ask questions. You wish things were working in a particular way. You neglect what you can actually behold with your eyes and feel in your palms—what really is. She doesn’t like oral sex, you said "OK" but you’d want some warm mouth around your dick during sex, but you couldn’t tell her in an upfront and straightforward manner. You don’t want to lose her because her family is rich. You marry her. Fast-forward, you’re divorced because of cheating—getting your dick sucked from outside. You’re foolish!
He’s an asshole but he’s good in bed and you like sex, you think (imagine) that when you give him more sex in the long run he will change and become a “headpinnacle”, but unfortunately he is what he is. Look who is a punching bag now? And I’m not sorry to break it to you, you will remain a punching bag if you keep denying what’s real and true—he’s an asshole and you don’t truly want him. Quit fantasizing in your relationships—wishing things worked in a particular way—when in the actual sense you are only crying for the moon. That is not faith, that is being simply foolish, too.
As I said before, I will add more. The problem we are facing mostly in our health—stress and depression, relationships, etc., ensue mostly not from the things we say, rather, from the things we refuse to say—things we are actually thinking—perhaps because we fear rejection (losing friendship/relationship) or disapproval (what people will think of us). Trust me, friend, all that is bullshit! See, regardless of what you say or do, people who REALLY love you will stay with you.
Ditch everyone who only superficially loves you—who cannot accept you for you. You cannot make anyone stay by lying to them. It’s stressful. You are simply manipulative if you do, playing mind games with them, and I can tell you are a BLOODY WITCH! And regardless of how high your bishop cap is, you are a WIZZARD! If everything was according to the Jewish custom, you deserve to be stoned to death! Yes, till life falls completely out of you. It’s that serious.
You care about what people say? Let him who has never thought of evil in his entire life be the first person to throw dirt at you! Everybody is just a hypocrite, religious or not, preacher or not. Porno industry makes billions of dollars every year, yet only few persons admit to ever watching porn. You hardly find such confessions in the church. No, everyone is a saint. Only unbelievers make the figures. Bullshit! For many, sex talks are immoral—improper they say, exhilarating they think and feel. Hypocrites! But you, you deserve some accolade for growing up (I expounded this in Adulthood, read with a bottle of lemonade please). You just have balls to be honest and straightforward about who you are and what you are thinking. Trust me, not many can do that. Do not seek people’s approval, it’s exhausting, and it’s not even worth it. People are simply frustrating.
Dr. Brad Blanton in his book, Radical Honesty: How to transform your life by telling the truth, says, “This concern about controlling the opinions of others and keeping control of ourselves kills more people than any form of environmental stress.” That is the truth. To be honest is simply to be true to your intentions and straightforwardly expressing them always. It’s not in any form showing that you are more proper or sincere or better than the bloody liar—though you actually are—but to extricate you from depression and other related health issues, saving you from having to stress your nerves from lying and thinking of more lies to support your already dispatched breathtaking lies.
This, particularly, is delivering you from your own demon not a scheme to approve of your “holier than thou” stupidity. You are being manipulative if that is your goal. I’d say you deserve to be beheaded like the WITCH if that’s your goal for embarking on this honesty ride. Love and trust will come naturally, true, but they are not your mission or motivation, commanding ease into your body is. And with this, you manipulate no one.
To keep this post short, I will have to end here, though I have many more things to write: Radical honesty and faith, for the sake of religion; Radical honesty in relationships, more about friendship, dating and marriage; Radical honesty in expressing anger and disapproval, etc.; and more on people-pleasing. A lot of things will be said and for the sake of latter readers, I will link them to this post as soon as I publish each of them. But you hit the SUBSCRIBE button now to keep posted on these new topics by email. And don’t forget to share this post if you honestly find it interesting, share your thoughts too in the “leave a reply” box below. I will share more personal stories in the subsequent posts regarding honesty. But until then, remain radically honest. Despise disingenuity. Be upfront and straightforward with your intention regarding every fucking thing and being you deal with henceforth.
2. EXPRESSING ANGER AND DISAPPROVAL
Life is like a scrambled thread, and the amazing thing about that is that we made it so. We made living hell for ourselves. Not by killing, not by sleeping around with married men and women, not by... but by simply avoiding to speak the truth in our heart at the moment. Many of us lie like hell. Some of us have MSc. in Lying. We are scared by the reality that we are faced with; we are scared by the fear of not knowing exactly what will happen the minute we express what we are really thinking and feeling, hence, we lie. It's like a plague on humanity—everyone lies. It may not be as gravy as lying in the court of law, but everyone does—simply saying "yes" when the water and blood in your system say "no"; that, too, is a lie. The few that manage to speak the truth don't even speak the whole truth. Not to talk of others who are just blatant liars, pathological liars—manipulative bitches.
Personally, I believe that everything as regards living would be a lot more fun for us if everyone was straightforwardly honest with one another about what’s really going on in their mind. In the first part of this series, RADICAL HONEST: THE OPENING, I spoke sparingly about religion being one of the factors responsible for suppressing one’s deep thought and perhaps ill feelings. Though, I do not intend to speak much about that in this post; latter posts, maybe. But for now, to everyone according to their own beliefs. Here, I’m talking about humanity and socialization. We were firstly humans before religion came into our lives. (See ADULTHOOD)
Anger may not exactly be a choice. But many instead of expressing it, they choose to repress it. Anger when repressed is like a time bomb that would explode soon if triggered. And when it does, things get destroyed and sometimes, like a chemical change, they cannot be recovered. But that would have been prevented if it wasn’t repressed at all in the first place. In my experience, as in relationship with friends, no new thing you say to a “friend” actually makes them explode, no, at all. There have been things you said or did that made them angry or a little pissed a couple of times that they ignored; let slide, didn’t talk about—perhaps they think you’re just naive or something. Whatever the reason for doing that, to me, is bullshit. Nobody really makes you angry to the point of damaging things if you don’t allow it—that’s your choice.
In addition, there is no such thing as “You are not supposed to be angry”. That’s bullshit, too. A scheme to manipulate you and to make you hate your own skin. To be angry is not a sin. You are not crazy. It means you’re alive and you have emotions; you have values; you have desire; and you have boundaries. You don’t exactly choose to be angry; it is a natural reaction to an action that imposes threat to your values. And whatever your value(s) may be is nobody’s business but yours.
The Bible teaches the same; that being honest and straightforwardly expressing the rage you feel at the moment is God’s will. But to repress the anger is a problem. God doesn’t want you to suffer bitterness, resentment and then injure yourself or the next man in the process, like a detonated explosive. He said, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger”. In other words, God wants you to let go of your annoyance as soon as possible. Calling the offender to order by expressing your feelings straightforwardly and honestly is a wonderful tool. I’ll talk more on that illustration in RADICAL HONESTY AND FAITH. But until then, stay close to your coffee.
See, the goal is this: rather than evaluating, be descriptive. Diplomacy is the culprit. Describe how angry you are. Don’t just say “I’m mad at you”. You don’t have to mind what the person you are expressing your annoyance towards is feeling. Be blunt. It is not yours to control what he feels or thinks about you. The moment you try to not make somebody feel hurt by what you’re saying or doing to them, you’re not true to your emotion. You are manipulative—trying to control them. You are not being true to yourself. Well, maybe you’re stuck in a people-pleasing mentality. Break free because it will only hurt you in the long run. Tell the person point blank, “I resent you for this…”, “I resent you for that…”, “I resent you for doing so and so to me”. Say it as loud as you possibly can untill you have fully let the whole anger out. Like a chimney, vent it. Fuck politeness. Fuck diplomacy. They mask true feelings. Do not inhibit your expression. Say it.
The danger of repressing your anger is enormous: it imposes threat to your physical health, mental health, relationships, career etc. Rage builds when you suppress it. And if not vented ASAP, the energy will tear you open over time. It may not really have an impact on the person that’s making you feel angry. In fact, most times, it doesn’t. Some people even agitate you on purpose. They realise that you are angry but won’t even utter a single word to pacify you. They just keep doing their thing. Such persons are devils anyway. I crown them witches and wizards. They are manipulative. They derive joy in controlling you. But you won’t allow them anymore. And trust me, you don’t want to have anything to do with them.
I resent people who intentionally make me angry and go as far as laughing with me at the same time. I resent them. A couple of times in the past, I had told them how resented I felt towards them and you know what? As short as “Hey, I don’t like you. You’re not making any sense to me” appears, it fucking freed me.
Fear, yes, fear. Many people don't straightforwardly express their feelings of annoyance about a thing that is going on because they FEAR they would lose their relationship with the said person—the fear of rejection; people-pleasing. I’ve said this countless times, people who truly love you will NEVER leave you regardless of what you say to them, most especially when it is the truth from your heart about your emotions. People who love you will respect your emotions, too. They can’t help it. It comes naturally with that feeling of love. Except you want them to go, they won’t. So why stress yourself? If it’s not making you happy, then it’s not. That’s the truth. Just say it. Let them go. And if anybody leaves you because you expressed your true emotions to them, then they never really loved you—consider it an acid test. They only loved a hypothetical you—who's not the real you. That's the cautious you. And now that cautious you is killing you because it's all an act. You have to free yourself.
Note that you are just being dishonest and manipulative when you try to make anybody stay with you by repressing your feelings of anger towards them. Or trying to make them pick a clue that you are angry without straightforwardly telling them they are hurting you. You are playing a mind game and most times you will lose if your partner consciously or unconsciously is a better gamer. You’ll get depressed, frustrated and drained.
Meanwhile, contrary to my experience that I shared earlier; some people don’t even know that they are making you angry, to start with. Not until you call them to order, you would be bitter towards them, you would even think that they are some devil incarnate sent specifically to torment you. Wrong! They are just not aware. Telling them will definitely bring you peace of mind.
Anger is not exactly a feeling you can start or stop, it doesn't have a switch, it only shows you're human and you have boundaries. However, learning to express it helps you to control yourself and not the other way round. When you bottle things up always, you'll pay the price someday. And by then it will be disastrous. Choose to free yourself, own control, vent it when it's still little. For the sake of your health, express it freely, openly, honestly. Do not inhibit. No politeness. No diplomacy. You feel angry? Sad? Bitter? Say it.
3. EXTRICATE THE HYPOTHETICAL YOU FROM THE REAL YOU
Truth, conformity to reality or actuality. Reality, the state of the world as it really is rather than as you might want it to be. There only exists one truth—here and now. Anything that deviates from living in reality is simply delusion. Many suffer from this as Neurosis or psychosis. While some others misconstrue faith for denying reality but that, too, is simply delusion. Faith in the supernatural is acknowledging reality but choosing instead to believe in the intervention of the sovereign—this is, rather, religious. I am a Christian and I live by faith and at the same time I do not deny what I see before me in this world. Unlike some folks who believe that because of the gospel of immortality they will never die even when they become really old.
This is the third part of a series—RADICAL HONESTY. If you have not read the first and second part yet, please do so before you continue reading this article, most especially, Radical Honesty: the opening. Though, Radical Honesty: Expressing anger and Disapproval can wait until after this. But in case you have read those, relax your back on a soft pillow, get some chips and enjoy the ride, drop your thoughts in the "comments" box. Thanks.
All right, the phrase “hypothetical you” as used in this post came to me the other day while I was trying to explain to a friend of mine that a girl liked me but I did not really like her back. He asked to know why I did not feel the same about her. I told him, “Among other things, Bro, I felt she liked the hypothetical me but not the real me. She had this image of a perfect me in her head. She felt I was not flawed.” Trust me, this did not appear to me any romantic, rather, it seemed dangerous. I felt she was clouded by so much feelings which in time would fade into the thin air. I believe that no long-term relationship will ever build strong on the foundation of misconceptions, most especially about eachother’s personalities. In my experience, none has. It cannot last.
Maybe I have presented myself to her that way, I cannot tell. But I am sure that my charisma sometimes might give room for anybody to think I am such a perfect man; without flaws, struggles or insecurities. I am emphasizing in this post that there is no one on earth who is perfect. I understand that there is no ready yardstick to measure perfectness, rightness, wrongness or normalcy. Yes, but I will stick to the moral values of my immediate environment coupled with my faith—christianity. However, perfectness in the context of the scenario I gave earlier about the girl is stripped completely off my stance on spirituality, more reason why I was worried.
I have played it honestly most of my life. I preached the Gospel of Christ as it is, emphasizing that salvation is strictly by God’s grace and I have lived my life mostly like a casual person. Not as an extremist who thinks it is okay to go about misbehaving because of the grace of God. No, I have not. And by casual, I mean, I do things that a religious mind would consider improper for a Christian to do. For example, I listen to Hip-Hop music; I do not exactly dress like a preacher; I use swear words once in a while. Sometimes, I teach the bible like a gangster. All to emphasize that being a believer in Christ does not exactly imply that you must become like a Chinese monk or begin to dress like a Jew. I am still within the context of the Gospel anyway. So, it is very easy for anybody without “understanding” and have not seen me minister before to think I am not born again.
However, this is not a religious post (though it is added to the Religion Category of this blog), I am only using this illustration because it is what I can relate more to. The point is simply this: there is usually this image of yourself that you have consciously or unconsciously projected/presented to people around you that has trapped you into living a life to meet that standard and, at the same time, has turned out particularly stressful for you. Everyone does. I know it is stressful trying to live up to the standard of two persons because I have been that way myself until I realized that there really are not two persons in one, just one person acting differently—that is, the real me. That is the foundation of this post. I am one who at some point thought I had dual personality disorder—spiritual and carnal. I felt bad that I had sexual urges; I felt bad for being aroused when I am too close to or touched by the opposite sex. It was an insecurity I battled. I was confused and scared I was losing myself. Wallowed in guilty, self-depreciation etc. I became unsure of myself—of my identity. (I love how UNSAID THINGS puts it in her blog, FACES.)
Instead of staying true to what I felt deep within, acknowledging that it is normal and then learning to manage myself, I projected a righteous image to people—I was "manning up"; I was being spiritual. O foolish me! That was not living by faith. That was actually foolishness. I acted as though sexuality is not even a thing I should talk about openly because I AM A CHRISTIAN and that it is unclean. For years, I struggled over things I could have fixed a long time ago only if I was honest with myself. Now, I am online to talk about this because, firstly, I am better and secondly, I figured that the main reason why men of God today make the news for something an "ordinary" man would do and get away with is because many a man of God have put themselves on this pedestal, one who CANNOT trip at the sight of a naked woman—this is not true. You cannot possibly hide forever, you cannot trap a smoke. This keeps happening over and over again and the line follows, "...and he calls himself a Pastor; fake Pastors". It is not untrue that he is a pastor, no, rather, it is untrue that he is a superhuman and that he cannot make the same mistakes as an "ordinary" man. See, you did not exactly choose to be an emotional person or sexually sensitive. You did not choose to have a high sexual drive. Why do you have to feel insecure about things you did not put there? Listen friend, be comfortable in your own skin and as a Christian, boast instead in Christ but not your flesh.
Opening up scares the hell out of a lot of persons because they are keen to public's opinion of themselves. Friend, it is advantageous to learn on time that everybody cannot love you, regardless of how you appear or treat them. Why then do you have to seek people's approval of your conduct over your own peace? I encourage you, come out as you really are. Tell people that have perceived you as some superhuman that you actually have things you feel are a little out of the norm you two share. Be straightforward and honest in sharing these things and watch freedom and peace of mind pursue you. Something like this, "I am this and that to you but the truth is I also have this and that going on in my life. It is okay if you want to leave but I will appreciate it if you stay." You might be surprised to find out that the same people you have been putting up flawless acts around actually have the same insecurities as yours and that together you can become better, forming help groups etc.
Hey, I have been there. I have seen others, too. Putting forward to people that YOU ARE SOME PERFECT HUMAN is disingenuous and will do to you two things:
- Bring you depression; stress from trying to maintain the perfect image that you have created.
- Attract many unreal people to you; who only are interested in the hypothetical you but not the entire (real) you—the flawed one.
The second part is worse than the first because, IT WILL BREAK YOU. When they find out themselves that you are a "kinky bastard", they will leave you. And you will become more DEPRESSED, than the first, even—one of the reasons why many people commit suicide after breakups (research has it). They will leave because the entire time, you have LIED to them! Fundamentally, nobody really appreciates being lied to, manipulated or cheated. Leaving is a natural response and it will only take true love to stay. I hope you get that.
In conclusion, rather than investing in your hypothetical self (seeking people's approval), invest instead in yourself as a whole. Become better by learning to manage your own weaknesses—they are yours; master them. Your hypothetical you is a facade. Sooner rather than later, you will lose touch with the unreal image you have created and you will be embarrassed that time comes. Hear once more, and this time, very clearly, the REAL YOU is simply YOU AND YOUR FLAWS, not just your flawed self or the fine self—no, both. If you are a Christian reading this, you are a believer who feels things that are common to every other human being because you are still human (the Bible relates the human body to corruption). Hence, be comfortable with that. You cannot run from it.
Express it freely. Then, improve on yourself. If you must pray, pray. Again, your real you is not just the good or dark side of you. No, the real you is the "good" side of you plus the "bad" side of you.
The hypothetical you is just one side of you that you, consciously or unconsciously, present and overly hype to people (most likely for endorsement/approval). This hypothetical self is what you must let go by being honest with yourself and the people around you. Let it go. Be free.
4. DISARM THE MANIPULATIVE GAME PLAYER BY TELLING THE TRUTH
Have you ever had a discussion with somebody over a matter which you anticipated that at the end you would resolve into a yes or a no conclusion? But unfortunately, after a few minutes you could not say exactly what the conclusion was. You became more confused as though the whole dialogue faded into the thin air. Have you ever been in a position that you did something for someone against your will because they were irresistible? They were not irresistible or charming, chances are that you were manipulated. And more often than not, you allowed it.
Ever since I started this radical honesty series, I have emphasized that the purpose of honesty is to help reduce depression to the minimum. Thousands of people yearly are diagnosed of depression. While pharmaceuticals are making millions selling antidepressant medications. I have at some point opted into purchasing those medicines. But I appreciate the medical folks around me who enlightened me on the dangers of overusing these medications, most especially their addictive tendencies.
I have experienced depression, yes. I cannot tell if it was mild or severe but I can say that I have been depressed to the extent to which it makes you lose sleep for several days and feel everybody hates you. I lost my mom and I have felt alone mostly before and after then when it comes to having a romantic relationship. I have experience manipulation/rejection most especially from women. That really stressed me out. And at some point, in my life, I became very bitter toward them. I felt they are manipulative bitches. But thank God for others who made me feel differently.
So, in my attempt to understand the female psychology I met Alan Roger Currie books where he mentioned a lot about evading the manipulative tactics of some women that I have fallen prey to. Those most of the things he mentioned in his books are not exclusive to women alone, but can be applied in day-to-day activities when it comes to relating with people generally. I read Dr. Brad Blanton’s book, too, Radical Honesty. And that was when I started writing my own radical honesty series. Because ever since then, I have been able to evade manipulative head games from people, hence, I feel a lot less depressed than I have been in the past. And I have been able to get some really good sleep at night than I used to.
People mostly care only about themselves. So far that they can get what they want from you. Better put, so far they can make you give them what they want from you, most especially when it is something you do not really want to give. As little as attention and flattery may seem, some people crave for it, such that they would do anything to get it from you. Have you ever asked why some women dress seductively and when you ask them for sex on the spot, they might throw a glass of water at your face or give you a dainty slap right there and then? The question I would like to ask them is, why would you dress and act as though you are horny around a guy whom you have no intention of sleeping with or even date; and when he advances based on your cue, you then begin to act strange? Some women crave such attention, they just want to boost their own ego by knowing that they are cock-teasing guys.
Like Alan Currie would say, do not engage in any head game with any woman. I tell you, do not engage in any mind game with anybody. Whenever you sense that someone is playing you, do not try to play them, too—mistake a lot of people make and would later regret. Confront them straight on and tell them exactly what you really want; and are thinking straightforwardly and honestly. See, it only takes two thieves for thievery to occur. It only takes two manipulators for manipulation to occur—the better gamer winning. When a fraudster comes to you, he presents you with offers that seem too true to be true and then in your attempt to take advantage of the him [unknown to you that he is a conman] you are conned. You only thought he was gullible. That is how the story plays over and over again.
I remember in 2010, on the Independence Day in Nigeria, my Dad got a message from a network provider, MTN, that he won a sum of one million naira and that he should follow a link to claim the money. My dad forwarded the message to my brother and I to confirm. Naïve us. We advanced to the cyber cafe that day. O Foolish me! We used part of my school fees to buy time at the café. I said to myself, “It was such a little money and that my dad would give me a cut, of course”.
We logged in. It showed us a seeming MTN website and a congratulation/confirmation page that it was true that we won a million naira. We were asked to input bank and card details. Neither of us had a bank account at that time. So, we called our elder sister who was serving the country at that time as a Youth Corp. She felt, “Oh, that’s cool”. She gave us her details. But as soon as we clicked “submit”, the money in her account, Fifty thousand naira, was swiped. Yes, swiped! Another money that was transferred into the account, Forty thousand naira, again, was swiped! That was when it became real to us that we have been “moguled”. MTN soon confirmed we had just made a deal with the devil.
So, the question was supposed to be, “DAD, DID YOU PLAY ANY GAME/RAFFLEDRAW?”, “DID YOU APPLY FOR ANYTHING?”, “DID YOU INPUT ANY CODE?” Nope! We all wanted to win One million naira that none of us worked for. We were thieves, we only played with a better thief, hence we lost.
The gist is this, do not keep up playing or trying to win over someone whose offer seems too good to be true. As though that was not enough, I was still duped few months ago because I thought I could outsmart a group of conmen. Repeatedly, trying to play head games with anybody have proven risky and depressing. Trust me, your peace of mind should be your goal in any relationship you are having with anybody.
Now, how does being honest come to play in evading manipulative game players?
Manipulative game players often stagger when they are spotted by whoever they are playing. It is a psychological thing. They get defensive and then begin to shift the blame on you. That is, they try to guilt-trip you. But the purpose of this post really is not to make these people act a certain way or make them feel/know you caught them or anything. No. You are only making your own heart the priority. Guard your heart by making your intention(s) known straightforwardly from the start of the conversation what you really want, nothing more or less, and you do not back down at any point in the conversation.
Some boys manipulate girls by trying to date them first when what they really want is to just sleep with these girls. But because they feel these girls would not agree (which is most likely true), they would lie to them. Well, this is cowardly to me. And this is why the idea of romantic relationship, generally, just keeps getting sour and sour day-after-day. We are liars! Everybody is lying to the other. Guys, when all you want from a girl is just sex and nothing else, tell them. There are pretty girls who want the same as much as you do, who are not even prostitutes. Find them. Leave really prudish girls the fuck alone! Alan did justice to that in his books, which you will find in the recommendation paragraph of this post (the ones I have read). They are all yours, should you choose to learn more.
Ladies, stop taking advantage of naïve men. Stop manipulating men for their money, for flattery or attention. Stop cock-teasing guys when you really do not want to have sex with them! Guys, common! You are a manipulator if you use/choose any means to get anything from anybody other than asking them straightforwardly and honestly! Be it via sex, marriage, grades, gifts, blackmail; you name it. More in RADICAL HONESTY AND RELATIONSHIPS. Until it is out, grab a cup of coffee and relax.
Okay, back to the point. In every relationship/interaction, do not hesitate to state what is on your mind exactly the way that you are feeling it. Guard your heart. Use the following Armor (quick picks/summary).
Ask definite questions
Polarise people. Ask them to say yes or no at the end of their answers. Never at any time be left in a situation where you are not sure of what conclusion it is from the conversation you just had. Do not assume. When you are unsure of what is before you, do not hesitate to do your own findings as it saves you a lot of heartbreaks. Inquire from reliable sources. If we had made necessary inquiries before attempting to win the money we did not work for, we probably would have evaded the loss that year. Remember my story?
Do not entertain unnecessary storytelling
Story telling could be a manipulative tactic to lead you away from the point of the conversation. Some people just have a way of telling you stories to make you forget what you really asked them in the first place. The fictional character, Raymond Reddington, in the NBC TV show, The Blacklist, uses this tactic to manipulate his “prey”. When you ask people questions, pay attention to see if their purpose of telling a story is to avoid answering the question. Do not hesitate to call them back. I do not intend to discredit storytelling as it is a wonderful tool in explaining—no. Wonderful speakers use it, writers use it, I use it. But what I am saying is, if anybody is in the habit of telling you stories till you are lost and you forget what you asked, then make it a habit, too, while talking to them, to always call them back on the question before you make regrettable commitments.
Be honest with yourself
Mark Manson in his book, Everything is Fucked—A Book About Hope, says, “…people are liars, all of us. We lie constantly and habitually. We lie about important and trifling things. And we don’t lie out of malice—rather, we lie to others because we are in such a bad habit of lying to ourselves”. It is important to not lie to yourself. Know exactly what you really want from a friend, a relationship or interaction. Set your boundaries. Be free to express them openly, no matter how stupid they might sound to you. You never can tell, they might sound just awesome to the person you are relating with; and if they do not, just move on—rejection is a blessing.
Stick to what you have stated onset. Stick to it. That is your value. Also, part of being honest with oneself is knowing that people have a limit to what they can do. Do not expect too much from people. I saw a quote recently, saying, "remove expectations from people and you will remove their power to hurt your feelings". People change. People disappoint. And when you think someone is unlikely to do a thing, well, maybe you are right. If you keep pressuring them, they might start lying to you. In which case, you initiated your own struggle with manipulation. More on this in Radical Honesty 3.
Do not try to outsmart people
Do not attempt being a manipulator yourself—most especially with my beautiful other gender. You are less likely to beat them in the game, rephrasing Alan’s words. You will evade a manipulator when you do not engage in the same game with him—trust me, I have been there; I have practiced this countless times and it worked. There is no way to know for sure from start if the person you are talking to is a manipulator. But you know yourself, right? Yes, just be you. Do not attempt to outsmart people. You never can tell if they are a better gamer with whom your life would become more miserable.
I will add at this point that you are a manipulator and a coward practising witchcraft if/when: you try to make others pick a clue about something that bothers you without telling them straightforwardly and honestly (e.g. via silent treatment); you try to get something from someone without telling them in an upfront and straightforward manner; you guilt-trip/blackmail people to make them do something for you; you wish to control people or make them think of you in a certain way; you try to make people stay in your life by doing or refusing to do certain things for them. You are being dishonest and disingenuous. Do not do that to yourself. You deserve better.
On a final note, you must understand that evading manipulation is not limited to the things I mentioned in this post. I would love to talk more on this but the paragraphs would only become a little too much for a blog post. Be creative with the little I shared in this post and then check out the books I will recommend below. Keep depression far away from you. Evade manipulation; evade manipulators and refuse to become one yourself. Do not forget to subscribe to this blog. See you in the next post.
5. INTRODUCTION TO RADICAL HONESTY 5
Dr Gary Chapman in his book FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES explained that each and every one of us have different love languages that we understand, and the dominant one, he calls the PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE. So in relationships, you must know the primary love language of your partner.
He expounded on these things:
1. Word of Affirmation
Some people don't even want anything from their partners other than their affirmation. Constantly telling them you appreciate all they do for you. Telling them how much you love them. Telling/showing them they have your full support.
2. Acts of Service
Some people just want you to help them do things. They feel loved when you help them out with things even of they don't ask. Like, they have a flat tire, you help them fix it. You enter their kitchen and you help them clean it up... etc
3. Receiving Gifts
Some people appreciate it more when you give them gifts, money. They feel more loved when you constantly buy them stuff. Most especially things they need. You're returning from a journey and get them stuff.
4. Quality Time
Some people, even if you get them the world and you are not always available for them physically or emotionally, spending quality time, they will never feel loved by you. They won't. They feel more loved when they see that you are always available for them... Giving them a listening ear and engaging with them real-time.
5. Physical Touch
Some people feel loved when they are touched. When they are sad, you hug them, pat them on the back, and tell them everything will be fine. They want to cuddle, hug, hold hands,...etc.
Why am I saying all of this at this time?
Because of the RADICAL HONESTY series that I write.
I have figured that many people don't/can't even say exactly what makes them feel loved (e.g. telling someone you feel more loved when they hold you tightly etc). Some don't even know. THIS IS WHY MANY SEEM TO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT [OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP].
(Please read "Five Love Languages" by Dr Chapman to figure yourself.)
In fact, the people who know their [primary and secondary] love languages often feel they are being NEEDY when they tell their partner, "this and this makes me HAPPY!". So instead, they just keep quiet and watch their partner struggle till s/he is fed up, expecting him/her to pick a clue, till everything crumbles. Sad tho.
See, friend, the quality of being needy balls around intention. It is not neediness when your intentions are pure—that is, to make the relationship work and not just for some self-serving purposes. On the contrary, you become NEEDY AND UNATTRACTIVE when the real reason behind what you are saying is self-gratification and not for the relationship really.
What am I saying exactly?
BE HONEST AND STRAIGHTFORWARD ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT AND ARE THINKING AT ALL TIMES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. MAKE THEM WORK.
MORE IN RADICAL HONESTY 5!!!
6. LEAD A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP BY TELLING THE TRUTH
If you have been following this series from the opening, or have seen the Introduction to this part already, I am sure the idea of this particular part will not be strange to you. I am not saying any new thing, instead, I am repeating the same old stuff just in a different way. In a way that is channeled towards a better relationship with peers, romantic partners and other forms of human relationships with the aim of helping you manage, if not completely prevent/remove, the psychological stress that these relationships pose.
It is often said that having a successful relationship is work. More like, “you got to make it work” idea. Well, I do not have any problem with the combination of words, so far the idea of “making it work” does not involve doing things that hurt you physically, emotionally and other forms of “-ally”. This is what I will be talking about in the next couple of paragraphs. I encourage you to stay close to the end. And please note that the usage of “partner” in this post is not restricted to romantic but also platonic—context please. Follow very closely.
I met my friend, Faith, in high school. Or let me put it in a better way: he met me, since I was there first. He joined us in the second term of our first year in our senior class. He was such a quiet guy—too quiet for my liking. My class captain knew him before he joined us, so, he introduced us to each other. I extended my hand for a warm greeting. Oops! The handshake was awkward. And I felt like, man, I doubt if we will ever get along in this life. I like my stuff hot, bumpy and you know, a little bit of rough play. But he seemed to be just the opposite of these things. Seemed? No. He actually was.
Long story short, he would soon become an intimate friend of mine. We talk to each other almost every day. We attend the same university, in the same department and level, do almost everything together (except cooking… Haha) and we have been roommates in school for 5 years now. Being friends for nearly 9 years, I can say with all confidence that we have never, at any point, had that kind of useless friends-fight that you would refrain from talking to each other for days—never. And I hope we will not come to that.
Well, I would not ask for a better friendship relationship than what we currently share, unless someone else makes me feel differently. However, since we have become friends, have we had misunderstandings? Yes. Have we had different opinions on things? Yes. As a matter of fact, I doubt if you have the right to call me “a friend” or “a family member” if there is absolutely nothing we view differently. Not as if I like to argue. No, just that, oft times, I see things differently and I do not hesitate to talk. A lot of things that have broken other people’s relationships never printed a dent on us. He was too detailed about money. Maybe because he is smart or something, but I did not like it. Dude, stop asking me for ₦10 change!
So, talking about regular friendship clashes, we had a lot of them—we still do. But the thing I would soon realise that made us stick together was that WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING. Note, I did not say “almost everything”. I mean “We talked about everything”. I realised this when I read Dr. Brad Blanton’s 1994 book, Radical Honesty, in 2020. But prior to this time, we did it unconsciously. We left nothing out. If he did anything I did not like, I would call him, “Faith, you know you really fucked up the other time, right? You were not making as much sense as you sensed you were making.” Also, I cannot count the number of times I have asked him this question: “What do you not like about me?” I have listened to him express all his exasperation towards me. Honestly, never at anytime have I ever felt embarrassed or sad after he was done talking. But oft times, I would be mad at him for the simple reason: “So if I did not ask you, you would not tell me, right?”
Anyway, if you ever meet him, you may interview him for his own version of that part of the post. But what I am saying is that EXPRESSING WHAT WE WERE THINKING HONESTY AND STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AT ALL TIMES kept us together regardless of our different personalities. We, often, did personality tests according to Meyer-Briggs; we learned our weaknesses and our strengths. Read some books and shared our views on them. These were not conscious acts at that time. It was later that I found out, as I have mentioned before, that those things helped and more reason I believed in Radical Honesty—I have seen it work very beautifully in my life.
Many relationships today crumble because either of the partners involved refused—ignorantly or intentionally—to tell the other, in an upfront and straightforward manner, how he or she desires/intends to be treated in the relationship. Many are in the habit of just keeping quiet and expecting their partner to pick a clue. In the previous part of this series, Radical Honesty 4, I mentioned that this attitude is an art of witchcraft—manipulation. When you expect people/partners to treat you in a way that you cannot communicate to them directly, you are being a manipulator. And trust me, no relationship—friendship, dating, or marriage—based on this will ever last. Ultimately, it becomes sour and they go separate ways.
Straightforwardness was loud in the relationship my friend and I had: we studied ourselves; that is, we put in effort to get to know ourselves for ourselves. Many just do not know themselves, they do not know what they really want. This is the backbone of the problem they are faced with in every relationship they find themselves. They do not know what they desire. They do not know what turns them on. They do not know what makes them angry, sad and feel unloved. Not to talk of communicating them at all. You break the bone; you cripple the devil and win some peace coins for yourself. Figure yourself. Read books. It is one of the favours you have to do your poor health.
Related: How to Know When You are Ready for a Relationship
On the contrary, some even know what they want but for whatever reason(s) they tell themselves—shy, conservative, silly theories of “let him work for me; let her figure me”, etc.—they refuse to let their partner(s) know what it is exactly they want in a relationship and how they want it. If you do not tell me how to treat you rightly, how do you expect me to know the exact way to make you happy? Nobody knows you better than you can know yourself. If your relationship collapses because you refused to communicate your desire(s) to your partner in an honest and straightforward manner, then that is on you. But if, as the other party in the relationship, you have been informed in an upfront and straightforward manner about how your partner wants to be treated but you refuse to comply or come to a common term with them and the relationship—which most certainly will—crumbles, then this is on you. You should cover your face.
See, it is not new that couples divorce yearly based on different reasons that they have refused to address from the very beginning of the relationship. They often blame it on love. "Blinded by love", they say. Excuse me, what is love without honesty? What is love without trust? Vanity! Trust is established when your honesty has reached a level that is able to convince the person you are relating with that you are capable of being trusted, hence, true love can then surface. This level, however, is abstract—it has no physical gauge, instrument of measurement. It is peculiar to an individual based on their experience and values they hold. In a nutshell, it must be noted that, from start, any love that is void of genuine expression of character/identity, wants and intentions is not love—infatuation, manipulation/deceit, maybe—and must be avoided. Yes.
It is true that you feel loved when you are incessantly affirmed—always told how awesome you are; when you are gifted; when you are assisted with a task; when you are touched rightly; when your partner spends quality time with you. It is true that you want to be touched in a certain way in bed. You love oral sex, and it would cost you filing for a divorce to get your penis/vagina sucked/licked—that important to you. Fucking state it upfront! You see, to be brutally honest from the beginning of the relationship or even before the start of the relationship would save you a lot of headache that is common to relationships today. And if the two of you can come to an understanding and are able to relax your walls—fine. Otherwise, it would be unwise, very disastrous to continue with the process in the hope that they will change if you keep doing other things for them—like sex, financial favours, etc.
Okay, Akins! What about Unconditional Love?—Loving them regardless of them
Loving someone unconditionally means acknowledging the person's flaws (which sometimes/always hurt you) and choosing to love them regardless, choosing to see past all of their inadequacies. This, too, is hard, almost unreal and unattainable, but it is possible. This is the purest form of love.
However, loving unconditionally is a great deal, but it is delusional to think that your friend, or romantic partner, who loves you unconditionally, does not have feelings/emotions that can be bruised by your ill attitudes towards him if they persist. Like every human package, something makes him angry; something makes him sad; something makes him feel unloved. He has boundaries, a threshold (maximum bullshit he can take). Except he is a monk. Oh man, those guys. He can get angry, frustrated from being treated poorly; he can act out based on these factors—his tolerance level. It is only fair and humane of you to you reciprocate this love to him by honestly telling him how exactly to love you—making loving you easier for him and loving him easier for you. Even though he is a monk, or as meek as Moses or Jesus Christ.
Listen, if you truly seek friends that would love you the way you are (unconditionally), then you have to become upfront and straightforwardly honest with every potential partner about your needs, wants, dark sides, holy sides etc.; not just playing mind games with them, expecting them to pick a clue as the relationship advances. Give everybody a Get-Out-of-Jail free card as soon as you meet them. It's their choice, whether or not, to stay. Let them off your hook by being genuine. Trust me, people who really want you around will stay regardless of anything you are or have been. But to act contrary is to complicate a relationship that has not started, invest in stress, plot a future heartbreak and, maybe, suicide.
Express Disapproval Honestly And Straightforwardly
Express your annoyance freely to your partners. Tell them what you do not like about how they are treating you, just like my friend and I did. It is very attractive. Recently, I was with a female friend of mine and we discussed about the relationships we have had in the past. So, she mentioned a particular boyfriend she had, who would keep quiet about the bad things she intentionally did. This made her see him as weak, who would not correct her whenever she was wrong.
She also felt he was keeping mute, perhaps, because he has an ulterior motive and would soon bring out his real identity after he is satisfied. That was not attractive to her—it is not attractive to most ladies. When you are really pissed, call her on it; let her know. Being straightforward in your relationships builds trust. That trust is the foundation of true love. There is no such thing as true love when the partners involved do not trust each other. There is no trust without honesty.
It Is Okay To Be Vulnerable
Radical honesty is equally as difficult as easy to do. Difficult in that your mind feels you are letting go of your power over the other person or you are giving them control over you—becoming vulnerable. But in the actual sense, this vulnerability is how to evade heartbreaks and other future losses. Freeing them is freeing yourself. This is also beneficial to you because this is how you get to know whom to keep, give attention to, eventually saving your time. Because, not just the leaving that hurts but the time wasted and the opportunities that were sacrificed for the relationship that did not work eventually. It differs from neediness. Mark Manson explained this in his book, Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. The quality of being needy balls around intention. It is not neediness when your intentions are pure—that is, to make the relationship work and not just for some self-serving purposes. On the contrary, you become NEEDY AND UNATTRACTIVE when the real reason behind what you are saying is self-gratification and not for the relationship really.
Dear reader, it is not about how many friends you have in the end; not how large your company is. No, it is about how committed the few you have are to you. Quality over quantity. This is all that matters. For me, this is all I care for in a relationship—friendship, dating and marriage. There is no true commitment without honesty—yes, radical honesty. Being blunt, straightforwardly honest, seeing nothing difficult/improper to say (discuss) at any point in the relationship has a way of increasing the bond between two people really—this, particularly, turns me on.
Somewhere Deep Down We Crave For Truth
Look, we fundamentally desire the truth, all of us—to hear and speak it. Just that we frown at it because it often appears scary. We dread it because it reveals our insecurities and makes us feel unsafe/vulnerable. Our mind won this debate a long time ago, when we told someone a secret and they leveraged on it, and then made life miserable for us. So, we concluded that hiding our insecurities from our partner(s) is the safest way to go about it—the only way we can truly keep our high-esteem, moral uprightness in their mind.
Hence, we remain on the surface; we retouch our mascara; we keep the lies on. Like a ripple effect, the wave continues, wider and wider. We infect the next man. The cycle continues. Lying/hiding, therefore, becomes a norm. However, this quality is the reason why many failed and successful suicidal attempts often come from people you least expect. Everyone masks their identity. Just imagine how many would have lived only if they told someone—a relative, friend, or loved one—honestly, what they were really thinking—like, suicide. Well, I am of the opinion that certain types of slap can actually reset your brain, and make you see life differently, cherish it, even, not just the stars in the cosmos. In fact, the stars are too far.
Back to where I was please, this fundamental desire for truth is what makes us attracted to someone, who, selflessly, can reach beyond our superficial expression, touch us fundamentally, see and feel our ugly scars, and still desire us regardless. This is how attraction works and differs from manipulation. Manipulation always misses the selfless-factor. Hence, when you always speak the truth in your relationships about what you are thinking—a selfless act—you become more attractive and irresistible to your partner who already loves you. Trust me, an average lover wants an honest partner.
Anyway, if this does not make them love you [more], nine out of ten times, they are not the one for you. Let them go. You cannot be happy with them anyway. You cannot keep them forever by lying to them. Listen, friend, if you truly desire real friends/partners in your life, you have to start living honestly—leading an honest life. Be honest and straightforward always with everyone about what you are thinking regarding the current situation of things; how you are feeling at the moment; and what your identity really is.
In conclusion, nothing is more relaxing, freeing, than living with people whom you do not have to be phony around before they accept you; people with whom you do not feel ugly around when your mascara is wiped off; people with whom you feel comfortable being you; people who would help you become a better version of yourself. Is this not what living happily in a relationship is? That kind of life is what I choose. That is what the title is really about.
Hope you enjoyed reading? Use the comments box, tell me your thoughts. Subscribe to my blog, too, for more post like this.
Improve your Quality of life
